Disclaimer: This post is entirely a joke. Unless Ryan Gosling is actually reading this. Then it’s not.
My dearest darling Ryan,
You complete me.
Thinking about you sends me in such a tail spin that I quote corny 90’s movies. That I don’t even like. Do you remember when Tom Cruise tells Renee Zellweger that she completes him? And then Renee tells Tom to ‘shut up, shut up because he had her at hello?’ Well that’s how I feel about you Ryan. And in my head, it’s us having that conversation. And then we kiss. And then we kiss a little more. And then we live happily ever after. It’s such a beautiful moment Ryan. I re-live it in my mind on a daily basis.
To be fair though, I sometimes change some of the details in our scene. I mean, sometimes you get on one knee and propose straight away. Other times we go outside and kiss in the rain. And then you propose. Sometimes you don’t wear a shirt. Actually, you very rarely wear a shirt. So you just propose shirtless. I’m okay with that. We run away into the sunset. Me, blissfully happy. You, shirtless and blissfully happy. It brings a tear to my eye.
I’m not sure if you’ve noticed Ryan, but we’ve been in a relationship for a while now. It’s been glorious. Admittedly, we’ve been keeping this a secret from our respective partners. And it may also seem like I’ve been keeping it a secret from you. This is not something I would normally ever condone, but a love like ours Ryan, it just can’t be stopped. It knows no limits. It’s centrifugal motion. It’s perpetual bliss. I may have stolen some of those lines from corny 90’s songs, but my dearest Ryan, you know I speak them from the heart.
You’re just everything a woman could ever want in life. You’re incredibly attractive. But I don’t feel like you know it. You just own it. You’re confident, charming and sexy. Basically, ‘man candy’ personified. Perfection wrapped in candy, wrapped in perfection. You make me lose my mind just thinking about you. In all your shirtless glory. Also, you have an impeccable dress sense. And you always wear nice shoes. Don’t think I haven’t noticed. But most of all Ryan, you’re ‘ab-y’. It’s a word I’ve created in your honor. It just means your abs have abs. And they’re beautiful.
Also, you’re intelligent. You get it. And you get women. You only ever have nice things to say about them. And you’re close to your mother. I’m melting here Ryan.
No doubt, the smart and sensitive soul you are, you know all about Greek Mythology. So I don’t need to tell you that humans were originally created with 4 arms, 4 legs and a head with two faces. Then fearing their power, Zeus split them into 2, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves. Well I’ve found my other half Ryan. And it’s you. When you propose to me (whilst being shirtless, and just before we ride off into the sunset) you tell me that I’m your other half too. I feel like I forgot to mention that earlier. But I so appreciate you saying it. It’s just so lovely.
On top of everything else, you’re also an amazing actor. I go to see movies purely because you’re in them, but you’re so brilliant that I even enjoy them. Lars and the real girl? Only you can make such a creepy character so lovable and make me reflect on the deeper issues society has in regards to how we treat people with disabilities. The Notebook? Just a beautiful portrayal of a beautiful character. And you proved you can grow a fabulously irresistible beard. Drive? The art-house cinematography mixed with the intelligent script and characters was divine. And my God, you’re even attractive whilst bashing people’s heads in. How is that even possible!? Ides of March? You’re idealistic and smart. And you’re not scared to make a political movie and stand up and make a statement. Crazy Stupid Love? Don’t even get me stated. I may faint.
My idea of you and the love we share will follow me for the rest of my life and make everyone else seem inadequate. You’ve set the bar too high Ryan. So seeing as no one else will do, it’ll have to be you. I’ll be waiting.
We’re meant to be Ry. Zeus set it all up for us.
Your future wife