Disclaimer: This post is (mostly) fictional. It is also passively aggressively aimed at people in my life.
I don’t mean to alarm anyone, but this morning, I woke up with a headache. I know what you’re thinking. Initially I thought it was the end of the world too. But don’t fret, for I’ve found a light at the end of the tunnel. This light is otherwise known as copious amounts of paracetamol (that will probably be the cause of my future liver disease). And so long as you don’t shine the metaphorical light in my eyes right now, I think I’ll make it through this challenging period in my life. Just.
Now my headache could be due to me trying (and almost succeeding) to replace all the blood in my body with wine last night. It could also be due to the sinus infection I’ve been suffering from. Alternatively it could be brain cancer. Or Lupus. I’m looking into it now.
You see, I’m a big believer in self diagnosis. Why spend time and money on ‘medical professionals’ and tests (which are almost always false negative) when everything you could possibly need to know about your life threatening condition is one Google search away?
Typing ‘headache’ into google yields the following responses**: “Is your headache a sign of something more sinister?”, “Carbon monoxide poisoning, the headache that can kill you”, “Headache: The only true brain tumor symptom” and “Short-lasting unilateral neuralgiform headache with conjunctival injection and tearing: the fight for a cure.”
Well now that you mention it Google, I think my headache is a sign of something more sinister. Carbon monoxide poisoning sounds like something coming from Tony Abbott’s mouth. And God knows I don’t want to contract that. I don’t even know what a short-lasting unilateral neuralgiform headache with conjunctival injection and tearing (SUNCT for short) is. But there’s a high possibility I have it. And there’s no cure, which is even more concerning. However, at the end of the day I still think it’s a brain tumor. Headaches are the only ‘true’ symptom after all.
See, who needs doctors when self-diagnosis is so much fun!?
Now to repay my loyal readership base of 7, I’m going to write a comprehensive list of symptoms and their causes that will ensure you never have to spend time and money going to the doctor again:
Headache: Brain tumor.
Or short-lasting unilateral neuralgiform headache with conjunctival injection and tearing.
Swelling of glands: Lymphoma.
A new freckle: Skin cancer.
Dizziness: Iron deficiency. Or AIDS.
Nausea: Congratulations! It’s going to be a boy. Now lets read up on all the things that can possibly go wrong.
A sore leg: Huntington’s disease. Or cancer.
Hot flushes: Menopause.
Cold flushes: Menopause.
General frustration and higher than average inclination to kill people: Menopause. Or PMS. Probably PMS.
Cough: Life threatening pneumonia.
Heartbeat over 60 beats per minute: You’re having a heart attack.
Paper cut: Flesh eating disease.
Any other symptom: Lupus. It’s always lupus.
Now readers also remember, an annual full body ‘just in case’ MRI is always a good idea. Worrying about going blind, especially whilst driving is normal. Taking every supplement known to man is vital for your survival. A sore wrist is a sign of smokers foot. Investigatory surgeries on the lump in your thumb that you’ve had since you were a baby are completely necessary. A poor mattress will give you cancer.
And if by odd chance you find yourself at the doctors, maybe ask for a second opinion on your hypochondria? I know I will be.
**All responses are legitimate Google results.