I don’t know how to say this, so I’m going to just come out and say it. We’re breaking up. Or at least changing our facebook relationship to ‘it’s complicated’.
It’s not me, it’s you.
Sugar you’ve been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. You make icecream taste like heaven. And cookies extra delicious. You make coffee taste more tolerable. And the thought of breakfast cereals worth getting up for. Every time I put cake in my mouth, you’re the first thing I taste. In all your mouthwatering scrumptious glory. Let’s not even talk about doughnuts.
Sugar, you’re just everywhere I look. It’s almost like you’re stalking me. You’re in all my favorite foods. And most foods that aren’t my favourite, but I tolerate. It’s impressive. You know how Ryan Gosling is God’s gift to women? We’re you’re God’s gift to food. Even when something doesn’t taste sweet, BAM! You’re in it. You’re a ninja. The master of disguise. Pizza isn’t sweet. But you still hang out there. You’re in the tomato sauce. Some of the toppings. And in the cheese. THE CHEESE. Sugar, you selfish bastard. You have no business being in the cheese!
But I get it. You’re an overachiever. Maybe your friends weren’t nice to you in high-school so you’ve decided to overachieve and show them up. Or maybe you had daddy issues. But it’s clear you just want to be a part of everything. You attention seeker, you! Sugar, you make yourself so addictive that everyone just keeps coming back for more. You’re an evil genius. You could take Victor Von Doom on and win.
You’re evil because of what you do to me. You make it impossible for me to eat one piece of cake. I have to eat three. Then when they’ve settled. Eat another three. You make is impossible for me not to think about chocolate. You coerce and harass me till I eat you. The rush is wonderful. A feeling of fun and energy runs to my extremities. But then, just as quickly, the abuse starts. You make me sad. Fat. And tired. Yet, I don’t stop thinking about you. Only you can make me feel better. So I keep coming back.
These are the thoughts of a woman in a destructive relationship. These are the thoughts of a woman who wants to quit you, but can’t. This is why we have to break up. At least for a little while. I’ll be back. I always come back. But just for a little while, I need to know that I dominate you and not the other way round.
This means you stay the hell out of my food, unless you’re in fruit. Fruit comes with fiber and nutrients. Fruit isn’t empty. Fruit has a soul (unlike you). Sugar, you’re not allowed to show up at work. You can’t send me flowers. Don’t crash my dinner parties. And don’t try to play games and get inside my head. It’s just not nice.
It’s not going to be an easy road though. You’ve infiltrated my two favorite things. Chocolate and wine. I’m going to find chocolate without you. Surely it’s gotta exist. And we all know wine is just you. And some grapes. But I’ll find a way. Ohhh you’re in mayonnaise, too, aren’t you? You sneaky, sneaky jerk.
Now don’t think you can fool me into eating you. I know how to read. I know all your nicknames. Brown rice syrup, glucose, dextrose, malt syrup, and your evil minion high fructose corn syrup. And your fake friends? They’re out too. They make me feel just as bad. For the next 10 days, I denounce your power over me. After that, we can talk about our relationship status again. Because at the end of the day, I do love you, sugar.
I love you like a fat kid loves cake.
Your greatest fan.