Kindly drive your monster truck off this planet!

It’s Wednesday afternoon, I’ve just finished work and I have plans to meet up with friends. That’s right. I have plans. With real people. I’m just as shocked as you.
But rather than getting ready, I’m sitting in front of my computer in a mild fit of rage. You see, on my 10 minute trip from work I nearly died. And what’s worse, it was at the hands of an obnoxious, selfish monster truck driver. Otherwise known as 4WDs. You say potato I say potahto. Let’s call the whole thing off and ban these arrogant four-wheel bullies from our roads!

Now just for clarification this post isn’t aimed at the bush folk, people towing big things or people that legitimately go on drives through the outback and thus need to drive tanks. 4WDs are designed for a purpose, if you’re using them appropriately then you’re off the hook. This post however, is aimed at the 80% of four-wheel-drivers who never leave the metropolitan area and are involved in three times as many collisions, speeding fines, and drink driving convictions as us normal-car-size driving folk. I’m not making these stats up. Ow and as for backing over toddlers, pretty sure 4WDs are winning in that department too.

Newsflash! You don’t need a car the size of a truck to travel the 3 kilometers from your home to your nearest house of worship shopping centre. You don’t need a car the size of a 3 bedroom house to pick your kids up from school. And you sure as hell don’t need a car the size of your ego just to impress you friends. Your car doesn’t make you look rich. It doesn’t make you look successful. It just makes you look like a wanker.
The amount of space you take up on the road is equivalent to taking up 5 seats at the cinemas. Or wearing a dishwasher as a hat.
I can’t even be bothered outlining the detrimental enviromental effect these petrol guzzling machines have. Surely, even the intellectually retarded can figure out the larger-vehicle-equals-more-fuel-equals-bad-for-the-environment equation. Not to mention the added financial costs.

Need space? Try roof racks. Kids with 3 meter long legs? Call the guinness book of records. Want safety? Try a safe car. Not something that is twice as likely to roll and thus make you 3.4 times more likely to be killed due to crushed cabin space. Again, I’m not making these stats up, just google Monash University Accident Research Centre. And don’t even get me started on bull bars. The perfect child killing and small car crushing machine.
Bull bars make the thugs, lunatics, idiots and morons that drive these tanks feel safer. Thus make them more likely to use a phone behind the wheel, drink drive and not bother wearing a seat belt. And just habitually be completely oblivious to other cars on the road. And general road rules. Who needs to stop at ‘stop’ signs when your car can just smash through them? Why let a nature strip get in the way of your driving? And who really needs to use indicators anyway?

The car companies building these killing machines are just as bad. Using reprehensible slogans to appeal to soccer-mums insecurities. Jeep’s slogan? ‘Jeep rules apply’. Yup, and the rule is you have to be an abhorrent imbecile with no concept of road rules to drive one. Toyota’s slogan? ‘Get in or get the hell out of the way’. Couldn’t agree more. Get in a sensible car or do society a favor and drive your monster truck off this planet. Mitsubishi Pajero’s slogan? ‘In tune with the outback’. Here’s a crazy thought, maybe actually drive to the outback (and preferably stay there). And no, spending 10 years talking about how you’re going to drive up to Alice Springs at some arbitrary point in time doesn’t count. And lets get one more thing straight:  just because you owned a boat 10 years ago doesn’t justify you driving a tank today.

Just because you drive a monster truck on city roads doesn’t entitle you to drive as a hoon. It doesn’t entitle you to cut me off. Take up 2 parking spots. Speed. Be oblivious to cars around you. Ignore road rules. Endanger lives. Run over babies. Or ‘accidently’ knock my side vision mirror off. Buy a normal car, learn to drive or don’t drive at all.

And just for the record, ‘Pajero’ is actually ‘wanker’ in spanish. I’m not making that up. It’s not a coincidence either.

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3 thoughts on “Kindly drive your monster truck off this planet!

  1. How about people who just can’t drive get off the road, the amount of times I see tradies on the phone, women doing make up and p platers looking down obviously texting making serious road errors frustrates more than it scares me. It’s funny you mention 4wd’s in particular though because I’ve been noticing lately people tend to be using them as a ‘my cars bigger, I go first’ tool and I almost had a lady drive into the side of me she was that adamant the other day, Shit is ridiculous.

  2. Pingback: A guideline to driving (if you don’t want me to hate you) | ilovethedangerindistance.

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