I’m pretty convinced I was dropped as a baby and my brain broke. It’s the only logical explanation. The thought occurs to me on a daily basis. This morning it was set off by listening to Alanis Morissette’s ‘Ironic’. Now don’t get me wrong, I adore Morissette (Jaged Little Pill got me through my teens) but the song ‘Ironic’ really annoys me. Nothing in the song is actually ironic.
“Ten thousand spoons when all you need is a knife”
Ten thousand spoons? That’s an awful lot of cutlery. What kind of place has that many spoons and not a single knife? I suppose it could be a shipment of spoons, but then why are you hijacking a truck of spoons?
“It’s like rain on your wedding day”
It would be ironic if it happened to Ra, the Egyptian Sun God. Or Mother Nature. It’s just unlucky if it happens to anyone else. Do Gods even get married? How about Mother Nature? Is she married to Father Nature? Maybe she’s a widow?
“A traffic jam when you’re already late”
That’s not even a little bit ironic. That’s unfortunate. And hideously frustrating. Anyone whose ever been down Punt Rd trying to make the start of a game would know.
“It’s like a free ride, when you’ve already paid”
Get it together Alanis. What’s so free about a ride you’ve already paid for? Even if you’re slapping down coupons, it’s still doesn’t count as free. And even if you get a ‘free ride’ you should know that whoever gave you that ride is probably going to ask for something in return and you probably aren’t going to like what they ask for. But their argument would be valid as you took that free ride and now you owe them something.
Maybe the whole irony of the song is that it’s not ironic at all? Now that’s something to think about.
You might not think this is a big deal, but this is the crap that preoccupies me.
I’ve lost track of the useless things my brain thinks about. When librarians die, do they get buried according to the Dewey decimal system? If you eat more sugar, are ants more attracted to you? Is there an easier job in the world than being an Ice-hockey referee? Step one: Learn rules. Step two: Ignore rules. Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced onety-one? Why did the Easter Bunny bring eggs? Rabbits don’t lay eggs! Can animals commit suicide?
It takes only the smallest thing to set my brain off on a flight and I lose half the day.
It’s not just the thoughts I have that worry me. It’s the fact that my brain takes over my body and I develop what kind people call ‘idiosyncrasies’ and what everyone else calls ‘crazy behavior’. For example, I have to walk on the right side of people. I couldn’t tell you what happens if I walk on the left of someone as I’ve never done it. Every time I try, my brain goes into such a frenzy that I can’t focus on anything until I swap sides and walk on the right. If there’s three people walking, then I’m happy being in the middle so long as the person to the left of me is taller than the person to the right. If they’re not, then we play the swapping game until my mind is settled and can focus on walking in a straight line without falling over. Yup, this is what I deal with everyday and then feebly attempt to convince people it’s ‘quirky’ not ‘crazy’.
My brain also loves extremes. I either love or hate something. I don’t believe in a middle ground. If I’m going to go the gym to get fit, I’m going to go 10 times a week or not at all. If I start a TV show, you can bet your bottom dollar I’ll have it finished in a maximum of three days. Afterall, sleep is for mortals. If I read a book, everything else is life is paused until I finish it. You’re talking to the girl who read all 7 Harry Potter books in 8 days. If getting addicted to something was an Olympic Sport, I’d be holding a gold medal.
True to form I have recently developed a hydralyte electrolyte supplement drinking problem. I think you should read that sentence again out loud. It turns out it’s a killer way to get rid of a hangover. Which ties in nicely with my mild love of wine. To be fair, not many people would describe my love of wine as ‘mild’. But my mum reads these posts, so I have to play it down. But back to the hydralyte electrolyte supplement drinking problem. The only catch to it, is that you’re drinking something kids drink when they’ve had diarrhea or been vomiting. So you can imagine it’s a little weird when you’re buying it in bulk at the pharmacy or drinking it at work whilst pretending you’re a ‘proper adult’. At least I’m staying nice and hydrated. You should try it some time. The apple/black currant flavor is my favorite.
My brain also causes me trouble when I’m out running errands. Buying toothpaste for example. Simple task you say? No, not for me. Buying toothpaste has been known to give me a panic attack in the middle of a supermarket then consequently leave me blowing in a paper bag for 20 minutes and running to Mummy for help.
Toothpaste Brand: “Do you want gel or paste?”
Me: “Ahhh what’s the difference? Which one is better? Paste I suppose? Otherwise I’d buy tooth-gel?”
Toothpaste Brand: “Do you want whitening?”
Toothpaste Brand: Do you want tartar control?
Me: “Well yeah, I suppose so. You guys are the experts.”
Toothpaste Brand: “Do you want ‘sensitive’ toothpaste?”
Me:”Well now that you mention it, I do have sensitive teeth, so I suppose so? That being said, if my toothpaste is going to cry and take everything I say to heart, then no, I don’t want sensitive toothpaste.”
Toothpaste Brand: “Do you want extra whitening?”
Me: “…ummm well yeah, sure. Why didn’t you just put the ‘extra whitening’ in the last batch?”
Toothpaste Brand: “Do you want clinical white?”
Me: “Huh? Why is clinical white recommended by dentists and the others aren’t? What’s wrong with the others!?”
Toothpaste Brand: “3D whitening?”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Toothpaste Brand: “How about cavity protection?”
Me:“Why wasn’t I getting that before? That seems quite necessary?”
Toothpaste Brand: “How about extreme clean”