Whatever you do, don’t fall in love with a boy who plays guitar. It’s solid advice that has been passed down from generation to generation. The premise behind it is simple, boys who play guitar have never had to work for a girl. Ever. All they do is play and girls throw themselves at them. It’s like magic. But it’s black magic and will leave you disappointed, heartbroken and drunkenly analyzing your life at 10am on a weekday.
Given I don’t heed good advice very often, I always fall for guys who play guitar. Now don’t get me wrong, the ability to play a stringed instrument isn’t the only requirement I have for a life partner. I usually don’t even know if a guy plays the guitar until it’s too late. But there seems to be an aura around guitar players that my body (and that of 99.99% of other females) respond to. And that response is usually ill-fated love. Now why is that?
Psychology tells us that most attraction has it’s roots in the unconscious desire to pick a good strong mate. Nerds and geeks are hot because
they wear old fashioned jumpers we subconsciously want our kids to be smart. Athletes are hot because their bodies are pretty we subconsciously want our kids to be strong. Therefore, it makes evolutionary sense for women to find guitar playing men attractive because we subconsciously want our kids to be moody.
I’ve done my research (this is a very pressing topic after all) and truthfully there is no real biological reason for loving guys that play guitar. However, there is a long standing cultural tradition that dates all the way to the Ancient Greeks that explains it.
It always has something to do with the Greeks.
Orpheus played the ancient version of guitar called the lyre. He was a legendary musician, poet and prophet who had the ability to charm all living things. So basically he was a lot like Ryan Gosling with a guitar. Orpheus was so good at playing his lyre that birds, flowers and rocks followed him round everywhere he went. I don’t really understand why rocks would follow him as I’m fairly confident they don’t have ears but I digress. Orpheus married a women named Eurydice. Unfortunately though, Eurydice died on their wedding day. There are many different accounts on how she died (the Ancient Greeks weren’t that great with the whole accurate record keeping thing) but it’s not really important. Orpheus became overcome with grief, he played sad mournful songs that made the Gods weep and subsequently invented emo music. Even the rocks that followed him round became depressed.
Orpheus then decided to fully embrace goth, and travelled to the underworld to convince Hades to give him Eurydice back. At first, Hades said no, but then Orpheus played a song which made Persephone (Hades’ wife) cry. Maybe she too had a weakness for guys who play guitar. Or maybe Orpheus sang about the time Hades kidnapped Persephone and forced her to be his bride and the song just brought back bad memories. Either way, Persephone was overcome and Hades felt awkward so he told Orpheus he could have his wife back but with one condition (there’s always a catch). Orpheus could lead his wife back to earth if he never turned round to make sure she was following.
Unfortunately now, our story takes a turn for the worse as Orpheus had trust issues. Before reaching Earth, he turned around and subsequently Eurydice died (again). That’s the general gist of the story anyway. Other Ancient Greek writers (namely Plato) paint an even harsher view of the situation. Plato (rightly) suggests that if Orpheus really loved Eurydice, he would have chosen to die to be with her. So basically, Orpheus was a non-committal coward who wanted to cheat death and get his love back the easy way.
And so the tradition of the ‘guy with the guitar’ being irresistibly charming and yet unable to commit and generally being a wanker began.
Thousands of years have past, but little has changed.