Like, what exactly compels us to drink our body weight in wine and then spend the next 24 hours losing our dignity and then either passing out underneath a fan or vomiting in a garden bed? Do we actually aspire to be that person walking down the street at 2am, mascara running, shoes in hand, pants unzipped screaming ‘souvlaki’ at the top of their voice? How is it that we lose our inhibitions so much that we deem sexually harassing the cashier guy at McDonalds in the interest of procuring breakfast McMuffins before the designated breakfast McMuffin time an acceptable thing to do?
Alcohol makes you it’s bitch. It takes your personality, remixes it, makes you do stupid things and then laughs at you.
This is at least the incredibly hungover me talking. You know the one that wakes up the morning after a big night and tries to recall why she’s sleeping on the floor next to her bed and why there’s a two meter tall stop sign in her room.
Now I know the saying goes that if you ever read about the evils of drinking, you should give up reading. This is why I’m going to stop writing about the evils of drinking and describe how it is I got myself into my current state. Anyone starting 2013 with a mighty headache would have like me, gone through the following stages:
1. The ‘this is nice’ stage
Hey, it’s only one drink. What’s the harm is just having one? It tastes so sweet and fruity. I mean, it’s basically a serving of fruit. It would be irresponsible of me not to have it. If God didn’t want us to indulge, he wouldn’t have made it taste like alcoholic heaven.
I do need to go home pretty soon though, I have work in the morning and things to do. Oooh what’s that, half price meals? Well I could go some potato gems. Yeah, the potato gems do make a compelling argument. And nothing goes with potato gems like another vodka cranberry. Bartender; another round!
2. The ‘I’m buzzed’ stage
Oh I feel amazing! My whole body is tingling, it feels like I’m rolling around in a pit of vibrators. I love it. Time to just relax and enjoy this drink. Or several more. I mean sure, theoretically I need to get up tomorrow, but realistically I don’t need to be out of bed before 8. It’s doable. I can just leave here, not sleep, run a half marathon around 4am and then go to work sometime after that fully refreshed. There’s no limit to my abilities right now. This is what life is about. Being out and having fun. It would be a shame to leave now. Maybe I could eat some more potato gems, but maybe I should just order a shot. Yes, I feel like a shot is what I need most right now. Yeah, a shot.
3. The ‘Heyyyyyyy’ stage
Have you heard this amazing story about my personal life? Look, it doesn’t matter what your answer is because I’m going to tell you anyway. And I’m going to do it at the top of my voice. As of this moment, everyone in this room is my new best friend and I’m going to talk to all of you until I have to pee. At that point I will awkwardly scuffle to the bathroom and when I realise there’s a long line to the girls bathroom I’ll bravely use the boys bathroom. There I’ll find another girl whose done the same as me and we’ll quickly realise we’re soul mates and will loudly gush on about how much we LOVE each others fashion choices.
4. The party must go on stage
Now comrades, no matter what happens this evening and no matter what travesty may befall us: this party does not stop. I don’t care if you have class in the morning or if you have to go home to your children. THIS IS SPARTA! Only the strong will survive. When we agreed to have the best night ever we knew we would have to make personal sacrifices. We can’t leave now. It’s only 3am. Only the elderly and weak go home at this geriatric hour. You must all do a round of shots with me.
5. The ‘I’m fine’ stage
Look I’m fine. You don’t need to hold me like I’m about to fall over. Look, I’m standing. Almost upright. I’m fiiiiiine. Just ignore those tears, I accidentally mentioned my ex boyfriend and my tear ducks accidentally swelled up. I’m fine, honestly, I’m totally over him. And look, who cares if the bouncer is kicking us out? Lets just go to the McDonalds parking lot and then continue the party. I could go a cheeseburger or twelve anyway. I’m fine you guys, we don’t need to go home. It’s not even that late. The sun is barely up. Fuck these birds, that don’t even know what they’re singing about.
6. The pass out stage
Just a random question but does anyone have a bed I can sleep in? You know what, a bed isn’t really that important, maybe just a warm cot that’s not too close to an open door or window? Or even a bathtub? Look, I’m just going to have a little nap on the floor over here. My shoe is a really great pillow, and if I leave my clothes on I’ll be warm. Plus I’m not going to take my makeup off as it’s acting like a little blanket for my face. I’m content here, I just need a little nap and I’ll be fine.
7. The morning after
Oh I feel like death. I may have a hangover but my head hurts too much to actually confirm my hangover status. Why is everything so bright? Can you pass me that water bottle? I’m never drinking again. I have to go work. I’m a relatively fresh corpse. Is my head or stomach in more excruciating pain? I’m not sure. My mouth tastes and feels like a graveyard. Can you pass me more water? I’m cancelling work. I’ll go blog about my drinking experience instead.