The Vatican should just save some time and name me pope already!

I don’t meant to get too ahead of myself here but Pope Benedict XVI has resigned before God could ‘fire him’, the world needs a new pope and I have some spare time on my hands. Really, it’s a match made in heaven.

Well, if the hat fits...

Well, if the hat fits…

Now I know what you’re thinking, and I agree; I don’t think ‘pope’ is the right word for a female leader of the Catholic Church. You see, since the first pope in 33AD there have been 365 popes’ (thank-you wikipedia) and not a single one of them could find the time to derive a grammatically correct female version of ‘pope’. Popette? Popess? We don’t know because for 2000 years sexism and misogyny have ruled the Catholic Church and women weren’t allowed to resume the top job (or frankly any of the top jobs). This is one of the many reasons why I feel I would be an excellent candidate for the job. How better to show the world you’re progressive than to allow a female to take the reins of your organisation!?

Now to those that know me well, the decision to become pope may seem like it’s a little rash and out of the blue.

That’s because it is.

But rest assured, I feel like I have given it at least some thought and have concluded that taking on the papacy is something I could do for the rest of my life (because unlike some, I’m not a quitter). Not to mention I feel the uniform that comes with the top job would accentuate my features and having what I can only presume is a magical sceptre (much like Gandalf’s staff) is something I have desperately coveted ever since I can remember.

Now, not only am I clearly incredibly passionate about taking on the papacy, I’ll have you know I am also wildly qualified. Admittedly, I’m not a Catholic and was never baptised, but my mum was so given that’s good enough for the Jews it’s good enough for me. Additionally, whilst I haven’t been to a church in a while I have been a religious patron to many a bar on Church Street where I spend my Sundays drinking more wine (a.k.a the blood of Christ) than you can imagine. Again, it’s good enough.

So with that, it’s pretty clear my qualifications can only really be called into question by logical people, and they’re a natural enemy to the church anyway so really, it’s no big deal.

Moreover, not only will I bring dedication and qualifications to the job, but I will also bring my extensive knowledge on how best to run a successful political campaign. Basically, the main ingredient is you have to be an advocate for change. Which is quite fortunate as there are so many things about the Catholic Church I’d like to change!
I would start by selling off the Catholic Church’s many assets (with the exception of my sceptre of course – I really need that) and maybe use the money to feed the hungry and help the needy (something we really don’t see enough of). Next I would publicly change the Church’s view on all forms of birth control and gay marriage to be more in line with today’s progressive views and thus enable the Catholic faith to help more people accept themselves rather than be oppressed by archaic thinking.

But I’m not done yet. I would also ensure, that under my reign Catholic teachings such as  ‘do unto others’ apply to everyone irrespective of their religion, race or sexual orientation. Everyone would be treated like they were God’s children, which is to say like equal human beings. How’s that for change?

Ow, and the child molesting thing would definitely need to stop. Pretty much, I’d just ensure that pedophilia stops being a more forgivable sin than birth control.

So, are you with me?
You can always pray for me to get into the Vatican; but preferably you could also do something more productive and take to facebook and twitter so everyone knows I should be the next popette, popess, lady-pope!

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