A guide to being beautiful:

fem imageYou have to be thin. But not so thin that people think you have an eating disorder. Just thin enough that people become envious of your ‘fast metabolism’ and no one ever tells you that you need to eat a cheeseburger. You should be slender everywhere, except for the essential parts of you which have satisfying soft curves. For example, your arms aren’t to have even the slightest fat deposits on them but your bust should be full and your butt should be round and perky. If you inherently don’t have these attributes, then you can get implants…but they better look completely natural. Otherwise people are going to comment that you’re fake with botched boobs. And no matter how pronounced your curves are, you can’t have a single pocket of cellulite – that’s just gross.

Now speaking of skin, yours must be flawless. You can’t have acne, spots, redness or any wrinkles. You must be perpetually young even if that means getting botox injections or face lifts (although you should never look like you’ve had any work done as that would make you the subject of mockery). Your skin should be creamy and soft and not like it even needs to be said…white. You’re permitted to be another race but only if your features fall into the category of ‘caucasian’. Looking too ethnic or different is weird and undesirable. They’re are exceptions to this last rule, but unless you’re a model for a international fashion chain, you aren’t one of them.

Now you don’t wear make-up. I mean you do, but it’s so perfectly blended in and adjusted to your skin that no one can tell you’re wearing it. You should be ‘natural’ because ‘natural’ beauty by default means you’re a low maintenance and cool person.
Essentially you just need to look like you’re permanently photoshopped in real life at all times. When you wake up, your hair needs to be messy, but sexy. Your mascara can never smudge and your skin must at all times be even and perfect.

Of course you have to keep your body in perfect shape and thus you work out. But not too much. You can never been seen being sweaty or out of breadth. And you should never look like you’re actually having a hard time completing the exercise you’re doing. You also should never put on too much muscle as being too muscular is repulsive and feral. Maybe just stick to feminine exercises like yoga and let the boys have fun with real sports.
Now just a reminder, your legs need to be long and slender. If you can’t achieve this look through genetics or exercise you can try surgically breaking your legs and getting them stretched. Just don’t admit to having this operation as it smells of desperation and insane vanity. And neither of those qualities are attractive.

You should always wear clothes that are flattering and fit your body perfectly. But don’t make it look like you’ve tried too hard. Your attire should be perfectly tailored to accent every curve without clinging too tightly lest you look like a trashy whore. There is a thin line between ‘sexy’ and ‘slutty’, and a man gets to arbitrarily decide it, thus you are never to cross it.  Your clothes should also be of a high refined quality without ever stepping into the territory of being a ‘label slut’ or being perceived as high maintenance or pretentious.

After all, you are humble. You are neither an attention seeker who uses self deprecation as a means to gain approval about her obviously beautiful features nor are you self-obsessed with an ego the size of most men. You are perfectly accepting of your beauty, never mentioning it or showing it off in any way that makes you feel good about  yourself. You know that your beauty comes purely from your appearance and despite your education or intelligence, you must never get involved in mens business or unnecessarily raise your voice to say something meaningful.

If you fail to meet any of these standards, you will be considered ugly and thus worthless to society. Best to accept it now; you’re a heinous beached whale.

Vintage beauty ad...I guess the media is allowed to change it's mind over time.

Vintage beauty ad…I guess the media is allowed to change it’s mind over time.