Taylor Swift’s 22: A critical analysis

I currently have a obscene economics assignment where I have to ‘critically evaluate’ various papers that discuss the economic impact the current situation in Syria will have on both the Middle East at the World.

It’s thrilling stuff.

However, actually researching the assignment seems like a productive use of my time so instead, I’m going to critically evaluate ‘22‘. A song by Taylor Swift that I feel is rife with inaccuracies that simply must be rectified.

So from someone who is 22 and actually has the ability to hold a boyfriend for more than a week before writing a song about him; here are the more accurate lyrics:

It feels like a perfect night to dress up like hipsters watch girls in our pyjamas
And make fun of our exes, Tony Abbott
Uh uh uh uh
It feels like a perfect night for breakfast at midnight assignment writing
To fall in love with strangers To cancel on our friends, eat ice-cream and google Ryan Gosling
Uh uh uh uh
Yeaaaah

We’re happy free confused and lonely overworked, poor, exhausted and confused at the same time
It’s miserable and magical miserable
Oh yeah
Tonight’s the night when we forget about the deadlines, our looming Hecs debts
It’s time to call our parents
uh uh

I don’t know about you real adults
But im feeling 22
Everything will be alright if you keep me next to you give me an assignment extension and a loan
You don’t know about me
But I bet you still want to keep reading my mildly incoherent blog
Everything will be alright if we just
Keep dancing complaining like we’re 22, 22

It seems like one of those nights a uni night
This place is too crowded expensive
Too many cool kids hipster students
It seems like one of those nights
We ditch the whole scene and end up dreaming instead of passing out from far too much wine

Yeaaaah
We’re happy free confused and lonely poor, unemployed, exhausted and confused in the best worst way
It’s miserable and magical sad
Oh yeah
Tonight’s the night when we forget about the heartbreaks, the ever growing graduate unemployment rate
It’s time to accept we’re going to live with our parents until we 30
Uh uh

I don’t know about you and your tendencies to want to be a real adult
But I’m feeling 22
Everything will be alright if you keep me next to you I stop comparing myself to you
You don’t know about me
but I bet you want to You saw me at the pub worrying about the state of our country
Everything will be alright
If we just keep dancing complaining like we’re 22, 22

I don’t know about you how I’m ever going to finish my economics paper, 22, 22

It feels like one of those nights
We ditch the whole scene our theory that we’re actually sane
It feels like one of those nights
We‘ll won’t be sleeping with our insecurities
It feels like one of those nights
You look like bad news someone I wouldn’t find attractive without a lot of wine
I gotta have you, I gotta have you

I literally don’t know about you have any revenue
But I’m feeling 22
Everything will be alright if you keep me next to you world leaders start being better people
You don’t know about me
but I bet you want to You hear me constantly rant about socialism, feminism and kindness
Everything will be alright if we just keep dancing complaining like we’re 22, 22

Dancing Worrying like 22, yeah, 22, yeah yeah

It feels like one of those nights every other night
We ditch the whole scene and start appreciating our lives more
It feels like another one of those nights
We won’t be sleeping because of assignments 
It feels like another one of those nights
You look like bad news procrastination
I gotta have you, I gotta have you

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Hey Girl. I’m a knife guy.

I can’t help myself.
I’ve got to share a video I found.

Last night the Jimmy Kimmel Live show had a time slot change and it ‘interfered’ with the filming of Will Ferrell and Ryan Gosling‘s QVC program Knife Show.

Hilarity ensues.

Umm, kongratulations?

Praise be to the lord!
Make some noise for the baby mama!
Just when we thought the Mayans were wrong.
Today in smart people being good role models…Kimye are preggers!

Yes, as predicted by witches, astronomers and tabloids alike, Kim Kardashian is with child. Now these ‘no way can they be responsible for a child’ tidings have sparked a few thoughts:

1. Oh Khrist.
2. Yo Kim, congratulations for being pregnant with Kanye West’s baby, and I’m going to let you finish but Beyonce had the cutest baby of all time. Of all time!
3. Hopefully being pregnant will give Kim the incentive she needs to stay with a man for more than 72 days.
4. The Mayans may have indeed been close as the apocalypse is nigh with the conception of this most unholy child.
5. I look forward to watching ‘Keeping up with the Kontractions’.
6. If it’s a girl, will they name her Khlamydia?
7. What ever you do please don’t name her ‘Bluer Ivy’.
8. This is going to be a longer pregnancy than Jessica Simpson’s, isn’t it?
9. I need to be in medically induced coma until she divorces the baby.
10. Congratulations Kris Humphries…your wife is going to have a baby!
11. Taylor Swift needs to up her game.
12. And on the 18th birthday he found out it wasn’t his.

kkk

The Shire: Australia says no!

Do you hear those little popping noises Australia? No, they’re not our fat melting away. They’re our brain cells imploding.

To be honest I’m not even sure I can write this post. Or that anyone will have the ability to read it. After last night, Australia’s collective IQ has dropped eleventy million points. Our TV’s contracted chlamydia and we were left reminiscing about the days when we watched sophisticated shows like Being Lara Bingle. If there was ever an argument for sterilization; this is it.

I am of course talking about The Shite Shire. The show that had Australians asking what the actual f@*k? The show that made Being Lara Bingle look like an multi award winning series. The show that managed to make George W look intelligent. It was supposed to be Australia’s answer to Jersey Shore. And now the cast of Jersey Shore are preparing to sue anyone that compares them to the people in The Shire.

It was harder to watch than I expected. And I expected it to give me an aneurism. It got off to such a bad start that three seconds in, my television felt like growing legs and throwing itself off the balcony. And yet, the show still managed to continually shock viewers by it’s ability to progressively get worse. The opening narration intelligently explained that “Sydney Australia, is famous for everything it’s famous for.” No, really? Exactly whose decision was it to let you talk? They need to be stoned to death.
The narration then went on, “The Shire is described as God’s country.” Well that just reaffirms my disbelief in religion, doesn’t it? The show is supposed to be a depiction of the real lives of real people and nothing is scripted. Clearly the producers think the viewers are as thick as the cast.

Speaking of the cast, the audience soon had the ‘pleasure’ of meeting them. There’s Mr. perfect-eyebrows Mitch who used to date Ms. girl-next-door Gabby. They ‘happen’ to run into each other on the beach and decide to go to a party hosted by wannabe rapper Riff Raff. The homeboy just let a rap rip. It ended in ‘bitch’ so it must have been good. Coincidentally, he has an album coming out next week. Also coming out are any males that buy it.

The botulism twins are both played by Chris Lilley, right?

We then meet Vernesa and Sophie; also known as fifty shades of orange #1 and #2.  They’re proud of their fake boobs, tans and lips. However, unfortunately for them their brains are real. Their entire dialogue consists of them talking about their lips, losing their botox virginity’s and how fat-burning machines work. It took me a whole 5 seconds to conclude they were almost completely brainless. Now when I say ‘almost completely’, I mean that in the literal sense. I haven’t used it as a literary device to suggest they have a redeeming feature. I literally think they have significant brain lobes missing.

Then we meet Beckaa. The extra ‘a’ is to add class. Or because she can’t spell – you take your pick. Beckaa is all about spending her Sugar Daddy’s money. If you look up ‘narcissist’ in the dictionary, I’m confident you’ll find a picture of her. Beckaa has a weakness for reflective surfaces and ugly clothing. But at least she has the warmth and comfort of best friends who call her fat and happily tell the nation her ‘new nose’ makes her look like a pig seconds after swearing to her face that she looks gorgeous. Oh with friends like these who needs enemies!?

I could go on, but I’m making myself physically ill. At the end of the day, I find it hard to believe the people of the Shire were actually able to organize a riot. If the show airs internationally, it will be the death of tourism. No amount of Oprah can save us now.

But it’s not all doom and gloom. The Shire can be Australia’s solution to ensuring the boats don’t even want to come. I’m hearing reports that 5 boats voluntarily turned round and are heading back to Malaysia as I write this. Thanks Shire!
But why solve just one problem when you can have the double whammy? We have hungry great whites in our oceans and an excess of stupidity on the east coast. Now you draw your own conclusions; but maybe, just maybe a mass migration of great whites to improve the Shire’s PR image wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

As we have a moment of silence for the death of Australian TV, can I just say it’s high time for another riot. This time at network ten studios.

Why? Just Why?