The Shire: Australia says no!

Do you hear those little popping noises Australia? No, they’re not our fat melting away. They’re our brain cells imploding.

To be honest I’m not even sure I can write this post. Or that anyone will have the ability to read it. After last night, Australia’s collective IQ has dropped eleventy million points. Our TV’s contracted chlamydia and we were left reminiscing about the days when we watched sophisticated shows like Being Lara Bingle. If there was ever an argument for sterilization; this is it.

I am of course talking about The Shite Shire. The show that had Australians asking what the actual f@*k? The show that made Being Lara Bingle look like an multi award winning series. The show that managed to make George W look intelligent. It was supposed to be Australia’s answer to Jersey Shore. And now the cast of Jersey Shore are preparing to sue anyone that compares them to the people in The Shire.

It was harder to watch than I expected. And I expected it to give me an aneurism. It got off to such a bad start that three seconds in, my television felt like growing legs and throwing itself off the balcony. And yet, the show still managed to continually shock viewers by it’s ability to progressively get worse. The opening narration intelligently explained that “Sydney Australia, is famous for everything it’s famous for.” No, really? Exactly whose decision was it to let you talk? They need to be stoned to death.
The narration then went on, “The Shire is described as God’s country.” Well that just reaffirms my disbelief in religion, doesn’t it? The show is supposed to be a depiction of the real lives of real people and nothing is scripted. Clearly the producers think the viewers are as thick as the cast.

Speaking of the cast, the audience soon had the ‘pleasure’ of meeting them. There’s Mr. perfect-eyebrows Mitch who used to date Ms. girl-next-door Gabby. They ‘happen’ to run into each other on the beach and decide to go to a party hosted by wannabe rapper Riff Raff. The homeboy just let a rap rip. It ended in ‘bitch’ so it must have been good. Coincidentally, he has an album coming out next week. Also coming out are any males that buy it.

The botulism twins are both played by Chris Lilley, right?

We then meet Vernesa and Sophie; also known as fifty shades of orange #1 and #2.  They’re proud of their fake boobs, tans and lips. However, unfortunately for them their brains are real. Their entire dialogue consists of them talking about their lips, losing their botox virginity’s and how fat-burning machines work. It took me a whole 5 seconds to conclude they were almost completely brainless. Now when I say ‘almost completely’, I mean that in the literal sense. I haven’t used it as a literary device to suggest they have a redeeming feature. I literally think they have significant brain lobes missing.

Then we meet Beckaa. The extra ‘a’ is to add class. Or because she can’t spell – you take your pick. Beckaa is all about spending her Sugar Daddy’s money. If you look up ‘narcissist’ in the dictionary, I’m confident you’ll find a picture of her. Beckaa has a weakness for reflective surfaces and ugly clothing. But at least she has the warmth and comfort of best friends who call her fat and happily tell the nation her ‘new nose’ makes her look like a pig seconds after swearing to her face that she looks gorgeous. Oh with friends like these who needs enemies!?

I could go on, but I’m making myself physically ill. At the end of the day, I find it hard to believe the people of the Shire were actually able to organize a riot. If the show airs internationally, it will be the death of tourism. No amount of Oprah can save us now.

But it’s not all doom and gloom. The Shire can be Australia’s solution to ensuring the boats don’t even want to come. I’m hearing reports that 5 boats voluntarily turned round and are heading back to Malaysia as I write this. Thanks Shire!
But why solve just one problem when you can have the double whammy? We have hungry great whites in our oceans and an excess of stupidity on the east coast. Now you draw your own conclusions; but maybe, just maybe a mass migration of great whites to improve the Shire’s PR image wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.

As we have a moment of silence for the death of Australian TV, can I just say it’s high time for another riot. This time at network ten studios.

Why? Just Why?