New Years resolutions start in the second week of the year, right?

“Since, because it’s an extension of New Year’s Eve, smokers are already on a smoking roll and cannot be expected to stop abruptly on the stroke of midnight… Also, dieting on New Year’s Day isn’t a good idea as you can’t eat rationally. I think it would be much more sensible if resolutions began generally on January the second.”

– Bridget Jones

I completely agree Bridget, except for one thing…for a New Years resolution to succeed, you need to learn from your failures first. Thus, New Years resolutions should start in the second week of the year to give you ample time to fail and subsequently learn from your mistakes in the first week. Flawless logic I know.

Now I’m sure last week like me; you were seeing in the New Year both:
(a) obscenely drunk 
(b) having decided that 2013 would be your year to be the best person you can to be.

A new year, a clean slate and a ridiculous superstition that you would suddenly be able to achieve everything you couldn’t in 2012.

This time last week I was thinking up a new batch of New Years failures resolutions. At first I dreamt big and thought 2013 would be the year I’d become famous and finally marry Ryan Gosling. After giving it some thought though, I decided it might be best to not set myself up for sure failure and thus to aim lower. Next I decided 2013 would be my year to be healthy. However, given that that has been my resolution for the past 5 years, I thought I should come up with something more original and that I haven’t failed at, 5 years running. And then it occurred to me; this year, I’m not going to set myself up for failure.
This year, mediocrity will be my oyster.
This year my resolution will be simple and attainable.
My resolution will be to go to bed earlier every night, wake up earlier every morning and not waste so much of the time in-between being tired. Practical and easy. The perfect resolution.

Alas, 7 days have passed and I have gone to sleep before midnight once. (One out of Seven ain’t bad though!)

I don’t know what it is, but no matter how long I’ve been up for or how tired I am, the night owl in me refuses to sleep until at least 1am. This subsequently causes me issues in the morning as I spend the hours between 6 a.m. and 11 a.m., trying to get my bearings in a world that is 8 shades too bright and won’t stop making horrible, loud noises. Pretty much, this is me every morning:

However, what irritates me even more than having to wake up, is the ‘morning-I-go-for-a-run-before-work-people’ that I encounter.
No, I don’t want to talk to you, can’t you see I haven’t fully risen out of my coffin yet and I’m only on my third coffee of the morning? No, I’m not a morning person like you. The only way I could ever be considered a ‘morning person’ was if the morning happened around noon and there wasn’t much blood in my caffeine system at the time. And seriously, what time did you get to sleep last night? For me to both justify and have the ability to be such a chipper douchbag at such an ungodly hour I would need to be in bed by at least 6 p.m… the night before.

It’s not my fault that, for whatever reason my brain has decided the hours between 11 p.m. and 1 a.m. are the hours at which all interesting and engaging thought is going to occur. Lying down without any external stimulus, my brain will yield a million useless thoughts, occasionally stopping to discover a cure for cancer only to forget it 5 seconds later. It’s between these hours that I want to party, to write, to talk, to blog and to discover the meaning of life. It’s my time, okay? I’m not trying to be a 5 year old intentionally staying up past their bedtime, I’m just a prisoner to my own internal clock.

But I get it. I know that I have to acclimatise myself and live on societies time. I know that the 5 minutes of extra sleep I get every time I press ‘sleep’ feel like small orgasms cuddling me, but I also get that I waste too much time cuddling these orgasms. I’m going to kick the habit. I’m going to go to bed early, make myself fall asleep and wake up refreshed. The next time a ‘morning person’ has a loud monologue describing all they’ve achieved since they’ve been up, I’m going to resist the urge to throw my hot coffee on them because I too, will be refreshed and happy to be awake.

I still firmly believe that whoever invented the saying “the early bird gets the worm” needs to be shot. But as of tomorrow, I will suck it up and make my New Years resolution work. (Except on Sunday, as God didn’t even get up on Sunday so really, not sleeping in would be blasphemy – flawless logic once again I know).

And if that fails…well I guess New Years resolutions can start in week three of the year, right?